I am overwhelmed by life
Notes
It has never been this hard for me to navigate through life.

Initially, this post was planned to be around the topic of why I am overwhelmed by working in tech right now. But while writing it, some things changed drastically for me, so this post is not only touching the topic of being overwhelmed by working in tech right now, but more importantly it is touching the topic why I am overwhelmed by life right now.
A couple of weeks ago, my partner and I broke up and went separated ways. I am not going into details here, but I had to say goodbye to the person who has been by my side for the past 13 years, who I grew up with, who I thought I would spend the rest of my life with, and ultimately I had to say goodbye to the person who I loved most. My partner was my anchor. Whenever I was around her, I was at peace. Although, I am usually getting along nicely with new people, I always had some sort of social anxiety, as I am an introvert, however, she was my calm anchor in those kind of situations, so I had not to fear anything.
I am having a hard time dealing with the fact that sometimes you can love someone so deeply, however, you still have to let them go. I assume what I am experiencing right now is heartbreak, since I have never felt anything like this. What makes this even worse though is, that I am experiencing heartbreak because of a person I felt (and honestly still feel) deeply connected to.
Once I assorted myself a bit, and figured out the next steps, anxiety kicked in, like real bad. Loosing the one person who mattered most to you is already hard enough, but what about all the common friends and their lovely kids? Do they have to "pick a side" now? How do I start from zero again? How do I let go? Will I ever be able to love again? I feel incredibly lost right now. Suddenly, this feeling of having a safe space is gone, and I realized that this feeling is not attached to a place or an apartment, but rather a person who I am no longer with. I would say I am a person who prefers to fix stuff or at least try to fix it instead of just leaving things and moving on, which makes this whole situation even worse for me.
As I am doing a lot of self-reflection right now, I realized that I became too emotionally attached to and dependent of a single person.
Anyway.
I am overwhelmed.
And as if the all of this was not already enough to deal with ...
... I am also overwhelmed by working in tech right now. Every single day I get up, sit down in front of my computer, and work on something that becomes increasingly meaningless compared to all the bad things going on around me right now. I am having a hard time finding purpose in what I am doing for a living, when I am basically just contributing to capitalism while the world is burning, wars are increasing, minorities are at risk, fascism is rising, a genocide happening in Gaza, and vulnerable groups like trans folks and the LGTBQ community in general are receiving increasingly more hate.
When I started working as a designer in tech, it felt like contributing to innovation, pioneering and progressive work. I felt joy because I never experienced the pressure of working on features and shady implementations that had the sole purpose of tricking users into subscriptions, and therefore, increasing revenue or shareholders' value. I had the feeling I am focusing on improving apps and software, focusing on the user, and solving their problems. Maybe I was naive in thinking something like that, and the whole tech sector has been doomed right from the beginning.
I have been struggling with this every now and then, but it has not been as tough as it is right now. With everything going on currently in the world, seeing how this planet that gets called 'home' by 8,2 Billion people, gets destroyed, burnt, overrun by fascism and war, controlled by elites and capitalists, makes it hard to focus on my own life, my own purpose. There are so many thoughts floating around my mind, and writing and journaling has helped me to stay sane to a certain extent. Just getting those thoughts out of my mind, written down, and then published is a certain relief. But the much bigger relief would be to leave the corporate and capitalistic work behind to focus on something more meaningful and purposeful.
It is incredibly hard right now to navigate life for me. I cannot deal with this alone anymore, which is the reason I am going back to therapy to sort things out.